I've Been a Bad Bad Giiii-irrrrl

No, I didn't mess around with a delicate man. I just haven't posted in a while. Why you ask? Well in my normal fashion of answering my own questions, its because I've been busy with midterms and other important things- like creating this enourmous straw so that it is suitable for a bottle of vino.



I'm gonna miss college.

 Midterms can be a harrowing time for any college student. So in the midst of long term papers for some reason one of my professors decided to give me the rather torturous task of writing a sonnet. What? But why?!!! I don't actually have an answer this time. So, I cracked open the afformentioned bottle and two hours later this is the horrible love child that occured between vino and a failed attempt at Shakespearean verse:

Oh poems how you do terrify me
You do it in many different ways
My teachers they have tried to prepare me
Sadly no information ever stays
The rhythm of them goes up and goes down
I grimace in frustration as it moves
It makes my head spin around and around
I’d much prefer to be shopping for shoes
I used to think Iamb was a dog food
But it has gotten me to count to ten
It tends to put me in a foul mood
I always must try again and again
Writing a poem is repetitious
So I’ll switch it up, cheese is delicious

Iamb, dactyl, trochee, spondee
Completing scansions tend to be puzzles
I force my roommate to listen to me
Soon she’s going to drag out the muzzles
I should pay special attention to form
And count my syllables to the letter
The lack of prose here is making me squirm
In two more stanzas things will be better
Writing this poem, I’m in the home stretch
At least it’s not in Spenserian verse
Whining like this, I come off like a wretch
Reading it must be like having a curse
After reading this, it doesn’t make sense
You will laugh or cry or just take offense

Yes, I understand the iambic pentameter is non existent.
Yes, I passed this in, anyway.
No, I do not care.
Give me another 20 page midterm, just don't make me write another poem.

Cash or Credit?

I often find that when I go to the supermarket that I'm overcome by a wave of panic when nearing the end of my purchase. See, walking around a supermarket is upsetting enough throughout the process; it just all comes to a stressful hustle nearing the end.

As soon as you get in there it's freezing. I don't know why; maybe they're trying to combat global warming one supermarket at a time. This matter is only exacerbated in the frozen section and prolonged when you leave, as the contrast of a 50 degree store and the 85 degree humidity often causes people to feel like they themselves may crack in two.

The entire set up is a tad ridiculous as well. I mean, nothing is where you think it'll be to start with. I mean, why would the flower section be located next to the bread section? Would it not make more sense to put it near the produce or at least something else that grows? And next to the bread? Peanut butter. Which is all well and good but then what about the peanuts? Located with the nuts, and despite having the word nut located in the name, it's actually a legume. And since supermarkets seem to think that they have cleverly organized their stores by category they're sorely mistaken and therefore, the peanuts should be sitting next to peas or alfalfa or something.

Moving on, lets assume you're a masochist and have decided to go to Walmart or Target or something. If you've actually been able to obtain the items you were looking for in the first place, your task is then to escape that nasty maze they call "grocery aisles." Granted, nothing could be worse than trying figure out how to get out of IKEA, but American businesses are quickly following Swedish suit. Unfortunately, unlike the Swedish ,we aren't given maps or arrows or anything logical for that matter to help us leave.

 But don't worry, you weary shopper! The end is near; just pop through the checkout line and you're off, right? Right. Pop through and 30 minutes later you'll be on your way. And though the entire process of your trip to the supermarket was a long and arduous one, the one thing you can count on for sure is that awkward rush at the end. See, I like to pay with debit for multiple reasons.

1.) I'm under the age of 50, so basically it's my life line.
2.) I have yet to experience identity theft, though I'm waiting for it, any day now.
3.) The dreaded cash/change awkwardness.

Yup, change can be awkward. Well, if you're me anyway. See, for some reason even though your whole experience at the store has been one of a glacial pace, at the very end the cashier likes to throw your change at you so that you have only seconds to compose yourself and leave and they can get the next person through as quickly as possible. Upon receiving your change you have minutes to shove it in your wallet, grab your stuff and run out the door towards freedom. Sadly, if your wallet looks like mine, and since mine looks like George Costanza's, there are so many receipts shoved in there nothing else can quite fit smoothly in. So then what is one to do? Fold it in half and then force it in. OK, phew! You did it, you got the cash in. However, since it was stuffed in, the wallet is now too fat and you have to spend your next precious seconds trying to snap the damn thing shut. But don't be ridiculous, you're not done yet. There are still coins to contend with. Say goodbye to more time passing before your eyes as you try to unzip, dump coins, and rezip. All the while the rest of the line has moved on. They are shoving forward and if you don't hurry up and move you're going to have an avalanche of someone else's Rice Chex rain down on you and your stuff.

So there you go. Supermarket, it's a scary place.