I'm a Big Kid Now

Wellp, I did it. I finally managed to graduate college. Sure it took me 4 and a half years, but that was tooootally because of that uh, major change. The point is, I can now happily say goodbye college, hello unemployment. And what discipline would a studious young individual such as myself now go into you ask? Well,  I was an English major so that leaves me with three options basically- teaching, law school and living in my parents' basement. Guess we'll start with the latter and go from there.

Priorities

Lets talk about squash before I get on with this post. In England they have this thing called squash. Squash is super concentrated juice and you dilute it with water. 

                                                                 

I guess it's supposed to be like delicious poor man's juice? I dunno. I don't get it, its kind of like crystal light but with an intensified aftertaste of Splenda.

Anyway, I began this post-like so many others-not to talk about the many oddities of our wooden toothed counterparts, but to whinge as it were about the ridiculous obsession with the royal wedding- insert all sorts of puns involving the word 'royal' here. e.g. royal pain in my ass.

I shrugged it off and rolled my eyes as everyone else grumbled and groaned on about it for the past few months- can't say I cared enough to even get annoyed about the incessant news reports.

Well all that changed one friday morning as I rolled out bed, ran through the shower, and loaded up on 32 oz. of Dunkin Donuts. Shooting down the usual on ramp, a ghastly sight arose before me. Traffic. Not just any traffic- on-ramp traffic. This was just the precursor to 40 more minutes of sitting on the highway. Perhaps I should throw in that I was only traveling 1 exit down.

I frantically scanned through radio station after radio station, but alas real news was not to be had. Only a steady stream of usless reports on the nuptuals taking place thousands of miles away that would basically have no impact on my life in any capacity. Digging through the recesses of my memory- back about 15 minutes at least, I tried to think about what I had seen on the news in between bathing and caffinating. Oh wait- there you go. No news, just two bored looking Brits, sitting in the middle of a tree-filled church, listening to the Vienna boys choir, or whatever that was.

So rather than the traffic report that I normally get in morning that would have saved me from an hour and 15 minute commute, which normally takes all of about 12 minutes, I got to watch two rich people get married and then waste a hefty amount gas and time crawling down the highway and waiting for a 9 car pile-up to be cleaned up- priorities people! Priorities!

Ahhh Ingenuity at its Finest!

Well, as I'm sure you've all heard by now, a little drinky hath hiteth the market called Four Loko. It'll basically guarantee you an entire night of strait up smashery for around 2 bucks. I've never seen a happier student body.

Unfortunately said drink has also recieved some bad reviews by the grownups in power and has started to get removed from shelves in some states. I've seen two reactions to this:

1.) Ohhhh my god! This must be like realllly bad for you! We should, like, totally not drink this!

or

2.) Shit! They're taking it all away- better stock up while we still can!

But apparently there is in fact a third option and by far the most creative!

Just make your own. Duhhh!

My favorite part is the fine print, reading- "BuzzFeed is not liable for any injury, illness, or death associated with this Four Loko homebrew recipe"

So just a recap- you may die BUT if you don't you'll have a sick, cheap ass way to get drunk. Party or Die. So what do I say? Salut!

See What Can Happen When We Put Our Heads Together?

I've Been a Bad Bad Giiii-irrrrl

No, I didn't mess around with a delicate man. I just haven't posted in a while. Why you ask? Well in my normal fashion of answering my own questions, its because I've been busy with midterms and other important things- like creating this enourmous straw so that it is suitable for a bottle of vino.



I'm gonna miss college.

 Midterms can be a harrowing time for any college student. So in the midst of long term papers for some reason one of my professors decided to give me the rather torturous task of writing a sonnet. What? But why?!!! I don't actually have an answer this time. So, I cracked open the afformentioned bottle and two hours later this is the horrible love child that occured between vino and a failed attempt at Shakespearean verse:

Oh poems how you do terrify me
You do it in many different ways
My teachers they have tried to prepare me
Sadly no information ever stays
The rhythm of them goes up and goes down
I grimace in frustration as it moves
It makes my head spin around and around
I’d much prefer to be shopping for shoes
I used to think Iamb was a dog food
But it has gotten me to count to ten
It tends to put me in a foul mood
I always must try again and again
Writing a poem is repetitious
So I’ll switch it up, cheese is delicious

Iamb, dactyl, trochee, spondee
Completing scansions tend to be puzzles
I force my roommate to listen to me
Soon she’s going to drag out the muzzles
I should pay special attention to form
And count my syllables to the letter
The lack of prose here is making me squirm
In two more stanzas things will be better
Writing this poem, I’m in the home stretch
At least it’s not in Spenserian verse
Whining like this, I come off like a wretch
Reading it must be like having a curse
After reading this, it doesn’t make sense
You will laugh or cry or just take offense

Yes, I understand the iambic pentameter is non existent.
Yes, I passed this in, anyway.
No, I do not care.
Give me another 20 page midterm, just don't make me write another poem.

Cash or Credit?

I often find that when I go to the supermarket that I'm overcome by a wave of panic when nearing the end of my purchase. See, walking around a supermarket is upsetting enough throughout the process; it just all comes to a stressful hustle nearing the end.

As soon as you get in there it's freezing. I don't know why; maybe they're trying to combat global warming one supermarket at a time. This matter is only exacerbated in the frozen section and prolonged when you leave, as the contrast of a 50 degree store and the 85 degree humidity often causes people to feel like they themselves may crack in two.

The entire set up is a tad ridiculous as well. I mean, nothing is where you think it'll be to start with. I mean, why would the flower section be located next to the bread section? Would it not make more sense to put it near the produce or at least something else that grows? And next to the bread? Peanut butter. Which is all well and good but then what about the peanuts? Located with the nuts, and despite having the word nut located in the name, it's actually a legume. And since supermarkets seem to think that they have cleverly organized their stores by category they're sorely mistaken and therefore, the peanuts should be sitting next to peas or alfalfa or something.

Moving on, lets assume you're a masochist and have decided to go to Walmart or Target or something. If you've actually been able to obtain the items you were looking for in the first place, your task is then to escape that nasty maze they call "grocery aisles." Granted, nothing could be worse than trying figure out how to get out of IKEA, but American businesses are quickly following Swedish suit. Unfortunately, unlike the Swedish ,we aren't given maps or arrows or anything logical for that matter to help us leave.

 But don't worry, you weary shopper! The end is near; just pop through the checkout line and you're off, right? Right. Pop through and 30 minutes later you'll be on your way. And though the entire process of your trip to the supermarket was a long and arduous one, the one thing you can count on for sure is that awkward rush at the end. See, I like to pay with debit for multiple reasons.

1.) I'm under the age of 50, so basically it's my life line.
2.) I have yet to experience identity theft, though I'm waiting for it, any day now.
3.) The dreaded cash/change awkwardness.

Yup, change can be awkward. Well, if you're me anyway. See, for some reason even though your whole experience at the store has been one of a glacial pace, at the very end the cashier likes to throw your change at you so that you have only seconds to compose yourself and leave and they can get the next person through as quickly as possible. Upon receiving your change you have minutes to shove it in your wallet, grab your stuff and run out the door towards freedom. Sadly, if your wallet looks like mine, and since mine looks like George Costanza's, there are so many receipts shoved in there nothing else can quite fit smoothly in. So then what is one to do? Fold it in half and then force it in. OK, phew! You did it, you got the cash in. However, since it was stuffed in, the wallet is now too fat and you have to spend your next precious seconds trying to snap the damn thing shut. But don't be ridiculous, you're not done yet. There are still coins to contend with. Say goodbye to more time passing before your eyes as you try to unzip, dump coins, and rezip. All the while the rest of the line has moved on. They are shoving forward and if you don't hurry up and move you're going to have an avalanche of someone else's Rice Chex rain down on you and your stuff.

So there you go. Supermarket, it's a scary place.

Smile Like You Mean It

No, I'm not talking about that annoying phrase your mother always barked at you when relatives were about to visit, or The Killers for that matter. However, if you guessed the awkwardness that ensues durings those split-second-passerby-interactions, then its a gold star for you!

Just imagine you've awoken in haze, your room littered with Dominos boxes and Lost DVD cases from that marathon you had last night. Realizing you're once again late for class, that familiar phrase, "Oh, crap!" Runs through your head. Before any more precious moments can be lost you yank on clothes, making yourself look mildly presentable, people shouldn't take bathing so seriously anyway right? So down to class you march, back on track to a normal schedule. Now, up until this very moment your whole day seems to be up to par (shower aside) until this fatal moment happens.

Oh hey, look its that girl from my bio class. I wonder if I should say "hi." Naww, she probably won't even recognize m- oh, oh wait. I think we're making eye contact. Damn what do I do now? She's smiling at me. Should I smile back? Ughhhh crap, if I do that, I'll be smiling at her and then the five people behind her. Awwwkward. But if I don't smile she's gonna think I'm an ass. Damn, ok here goes.

And so the tale goes on. You plaster a smile on your face and the other person in question moves on past you, allowing only moments for said smile to be removed and your face returned to normal. Sadly, this never actually works. Normally, you end up grinning on like a jackass to the people behind the intended target of your smile.  This usually results in a mixture of:

1.) People averting their eyes away quickly, as though to say "Ahhh! Whyyy is that weirdo looking at me like that?!" (Frankly I can't blame them)

2.) Looks of shock and anger "What? Who the hellllll do you think YOU are? Huh? You keep staring at me creeper and I'll cut you!" (a tad more hostile, but still understandable)

3.) This is the worst reaction of all- they smile back. To which I would say, "Why you gotta be so damn friendly, hippie?! Look away. Look. Away." (well maybe not, but seriously? I'm not out to make any friends on the way to class here, mk?)

And so to remedy such a situation, I have devised the grimace, a face made when you curl the edges of your mouth upwards, allowing a quick retraction of facial muscles to your standard "I'm on my way to class and I have no coffee in my hand" face. Thus allowing the party in question to feel aknowledged and you to be able to move on with your day awkwardness free. So let this be a lesson to all you friendly people out there: the next time you wish to extend and amicable hand (or face) to those walking in the opposite direction, don't.

Cyclists, Innocent Travellers or Culprits Intent on Ruining an Otherwise Pleasant Walk to Class? You Decide. No Pressure ;)

A college campus is a place for learning. It's a place for frat houses and sorority chicks. It's a place for dining halls and students unions. When walking to and fro to these places the average student has number of options laid out before them. Many go for the ever popular method of walking, its good, healthy, I myself have utilized this many a time. Next up, for the slightly more lazy student, there's the bus. Hey, I don't judge, I live on the side of a hill that is so steep, snowboarding to the bottom in the wintertime could actually be considered a viable option. And, I've never actually seen students do this outside of movies, but I sure as hell wish I had one of my own- golf cart. Mainly on campus I only see university employees carting food around in them, but I think with the right marketing plan geared towards tubbies and freshman, this trend could really catch on. However, there is one last mode of transportation that is unfortunately present in every campus- the bike. I live my life in fear of being clipped every time I step outside my room, danger lurking around every corner.

Just take this scenario into consideration: Ever walk down a street and realize someone else is walking towards you and you think to yourself, Oh crap, is she going towards the left or the right? Well its America, we bear to the right here. And so just as you move right, the girl charging towards you does as well. Uh oh, maybe she's British, here, I'll overcompensate and quickly dart to the left. Unfortunately, this train of thought is also applied by the adversarial walker in question and hence the awkward hippity-hoppity interaction takes place. This is where one pauses, does some sort of move commonly found in a square dance, smiles awkwardly and then scurries off.

Well, this interaction is bad enough on foot, so do you know what happens when your on a bike? Well, your reaction time needs to increase, however it rarely does and unfortunately this is the result:



I would have a slightly more irate reaction, only slightly. But there you are, now you know the dangers that bikes pose to normal people, simply going about daily business. So the next time you think cycling is a good way to get from point A to point B, don't. Get off your lazy ass and walk somewhere.