Free Hugs!

Ahhh, actually I was kidding. If someone came charging towards me with a tight embrace in mind, I would probably run the hell away. But that being said lets talk for a moment about the hug.


There're comforting hugs, bear hugs, perfunctory I don't-know-you-but-since-you're-my-friend's-friend-I'm-giving-you-this-insincere-hug hugs (these are often paired with a fake kiss on the cheek), and even the most appalling- the sniper hug.


Yes, these hugs are usually pent up and dolled out at the most inconvenient and obnoxious times. For example, at wedding/funeral/family gathering you were unwillingly dragged to, some sort of aunt or awkward uncle, who you haven't seen since you were 8, will usually sneak up behind you and gasp in some sort of falsetto voice, "remember me?!?!!!" while simultaneously catching you in a death grip.


Next up there's the 2nd-grade-throw-back sniper hug. These hugs are usually deployed by girlfriends you've had since forever ago. The scenario generally starts off with you, the helpless victim, roaming off to class, from your car to any mundane errand or destination, or, if your pursuer is a particularly experienced attacker, in your very own home. Yep, nowhere is safe. These predators like to jump up behind you and cover your eyes, generally screeching things like, "Surprise it's me!" or "Guess whooooo!" Like, geee, I wonder who the hell else would sneak up behind me and clap their clammy, and mostly likely unsanitary, hands over my face? Hmmmm, who ever could that be?


The last and possibly most dangerous and annoying sniper of all is the college guy. This guy will scour down a campus and pick out every semi-attractive female in a one-mile radius and hunt everyone of them down on his way to class, a party, feeding time, ect. You name it, he's there, ready and waiting. They can usually be characterized by an overpopulated facebook friends list and an enormous wingspan ready to encompass two or three unsuspecting women at a time. A fraternity membership and gang of douchey friends are not required but usually involved.


So there you are. I hope you can now see that the word "hug" is really just the word "space-invader" disguised.