Kids These Days...

One thing I won't ever understand is children. Why do people want them?

They're loud, they poop, they cry, and they make you hemorrage money like there's no tomorrow. Your social life goes down the tubes, and, if you're a woman, you generally become obese for 9 months. When they get older they just become more expensive, and even worse, some start to become crafty.

As previously mentioned, the place I spend my summers involves food and servicing the highly entitled. The main clientele involves old people and soccer mommies with their children. I have to say the children and old people have some striking similarities. Like, for example, their affinity for diapers. Or we could key in on their uncanny ability to mutter what they want and then throw a temper tantrum when you ask them to repeat. But today I would like to focus particularly on the young'ns.

A time long ago, a simpler time that is, I thought babies were cute little blobs you fed and dressed up, kind of like a gigantic doll, but without those creepy eyes that open and shut on their own. Well, during my tenure in food service I have come to realize that they are so much more than that. They truly are terrifying.

First of all, they make a wide range of sounds, kind of like bird calls.

Baby: Yap Yap Yap Yap
Me: Ahhhhh! Why is it doing that?! Is it hungry? Does it need a change?
Co-Worker: That means happy

Now why the hell would that mean happy? It isn't a laugh, it isn't a giggle. It's literally making the same chirping sound over and over, again and again. I'm being forced to take a language in order to graduate from college. I chose Spanish, perhaps they should have offered Baby.

Next is the stage where they toddle, or waddle, or bumble around doing whatever it is they do. I find this stage the scariest because they tend to run away from their parents at a surprisingly fast pace. This will either send adults running around in a panic chasing down their precious cargo or they'll hardly notice whilst their "adorable" children tear apart display cases. They seem to often have an affinity for Syrian bread.

Worst scene ever though:

Kid: *smiles
Me: *smiles back thinking, 'awww this one's kinda cute'
Kid: *runs foreword, firmly clamping down hands on display case
Me: *thinking, 'typical, I thought you were different, but I guess not'
Kid: *continues to smile, sticks out tongue and licks case. covering it amply in saliva
Me: What he hell are you DOING! Do you know how dirty that is?!

*Enter disgruntled parent, upset that I swore at their child...

Now so far these haven't been that bad. They don't actually get too annoying until they can speak. Speaking opens completely different doors for them. They can employ the ever effective techniques of begging (this works on most parents), if not, they proceed to wailing (they'll usually cave at this point out of embarrassment), or if they're smart, craftiness. This little girl stands out in my mind the most:

Girl: Mommy, Mommy! Look, potato pancakes! (a clear introduction to what she wants)
Mommy: That's nice honey (a clear (and failed) attempt at pretending not to notice her kid wants them)
Girl: But I want them! (this one's on the move, she's clearly skipped begging and progressed to wailing)
Mommy: Maybe another time (mmmm far too feeble a response, going to have to step it up if you want combat your little terror)
Girl: But I remember them from Hanukkah! (ding ding ding and we have a winner)
Mommy: Well, alright. Do you want two? (this religious reference has clearly warmed the cockles of her heart)
Girl: No! Three! (and she has clearly learned the art of milking it)

So, as you can see, children are terrifying in any shape and size. All I can do is stand back and smile, because no one wants to hear that their little bastard child is anything less than adorable, despite the fact that they are usually wayyyyy less than adorable.