Beach Bimbos

Every year, that sweltering, nasty part of the year, some sort of crazed idea comes over me and I think that it's time to pack up and move this party to the vast beaches of New Hampshire. I think we all do it, only to immediately say to ourselves, "What the hell have I done?!"

There are always a few kinds of beach goers plaguing the shores of the Atlantic. Let's start with the least offensive:

1.) The creepy older gentleman

Camera phones are not a requirement, but
often a popular accessory .

Usually overweight, and in addition to being a complete eyesore, they tend to pack up their belongings for the day, and find a nice spot to park their asses from dawn till dusk. Now, what is wrong with this you say? I shall tell you. The creepy old guys, apart from their blatant disregard for T-Shirts, also tend to exhibit seagull -like tendencies. One will rarely show up alone and if they do, they call upon all of their little buddies to come join the party, taking up the maximum amount of space and leaving a trail of beer cans and cigarette butts  in their wake. 

2.) The Thong Bikini

A style popularized in the 80s and 90s by women who were actually in shape, it has now been carried on only by the trashiest. Cellulite and and some sort of ass tattoo professing their love of a one-night stand they had back in 1982 usually accompany this particular look. Back in the day these classy ladies probably would have gone for the aformentioned old men. This style isn't limited to simply New Englanders either though, as the truly classy Angelina of Jersey Shore once said, "She went in the hot tub wearing only a bra and a thong; have some class, at least wear a thong bikini."

3.) "Like, OOOOOOOOOOOh my God! That life guard was like toooootally checkin' us out!"

SELFIE!

3.) Yes, that horrible squeal can only be emitted from one type of creature on this planet- the teenage girl. Beware not to set up your blanket too close to these beachgoers lest you want a deep insight into the world of hair extensions, the best style of Uggs and the ever important information pertaining to "that girl in Casey's Spanish class who was like totally sleeping with her boyfriend's cousin's best friend's older brother, who goes to college at UC Boulder and is like, totally, probably, pregnant." Oh yes, friends, they take vapidness and topics that are utterly trivial to a brand new level.

4.) Babies...

ughhhhhh! (because who knows what
the hell they're thinking)

Let me preface this with a window into my views on children. Done? Good. Lets continue.

Every year. Every. Year. There's always one family, with one ugly baby, who shows up, carves out a nice 12x12ft. plot of space to call their own and laughs gallantly on at whatever their little brat child does. Behavior usually includes throwing crackers out to watch the seagulls eat them (yes, please just invite all of god's little creatures to where I'm lying why don't you?), screaming loudly out if the attention is moved, however briefly, away from them, or throwing sand everywhere (including on me).

So every year I go to the beach and after not being able to float in the freezing water for longer than 5 minutes I retire to the sand, where this compendium of creatures loiters about.



And now I would like make a brief foray into a completely unrelated topic- Jersey Shore. As I'm sure you know, the cast of characters is back for another season of... well, whatever it is they do. And in celebration of this I would like to throw in a nice little quote from the episode of the week, so here we go:

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week: Finally, the heavens have answered & I found a barbershop in Miami. (Well thank god for that. The economy may be in a recession, children are starving in Biafra but don't worry folks, the heavens have opened, Vinny found a barber shop).