Ever watch The Tudors? Ever hear of The Tudors? Well, for most people, or at least the ones who paid attention during World History in high school, its a dynasty who ruled England for about 150 years . You know? The one with Queen Elizabeth and Henry, the guy who was a serial marrier? I guess if you don't fit into that category then you either have no idea what I'm talking about or you think I'm refering to the TV show, in which case you are correct.I picked up this habit via recomendation. I can't really say how accurate to history it is because it really airs on the side of soap opera with men in frilly outfits rather than docudrama. But one thing I definitely have come away with is a sense of gratefulness that I wasn't born way back when. I mean pretty much back then for a woman you were either a wench or nun. Maybe if you were lucky you got to be a barmaid or the Queen or something, but for the most part job opportunities were limited.
Not that I can say job options for men were much better. Nowadays we generally have some sort of labor union- 16th century England? Not so much. Which brings me to the three crappiest jobs you could possibly have back then.
1.) Executioner- Nowadays if you're about to kill someone for murder or whatever, you sit in a little booth and press a button. The unlucky bastard about to die for whatever reason has fluids sent intravenously through his body and he falls asleep. Executioner circa 1300? Well, not only is your job so sucky that you're stuck killing people all day, but the incident of having their bodily juices all over you is also greatly increased. I guess the main form of ending a life was generally limited to beheading and burning, although in one instance (and by that I mean episode) a man was boiled to death in a vat of soup- the same recipe he used to kill some clergymen, how poetic. So props for creativity, but imagine trying to wash out that stench at the end of the day. I mean I complain about smelling like mashed potatoes, better than burnt flesh.
2.) Royal Jizz Disposer- What is a king to do when neither his mistress nor wife with puteth out? Why call in your own personal towel holder to collect, uh, well, you. Yup, this dude literally exists to do nothing other than to show up during times of frustration and dispose of whatever lands on that towel. And I thought being in maid service was bad. But again, with the bodily fluids being dispensed everywhere? I don't know, it must be sort of 16th century thing.
3.) Ooh I did it! I found yet another job a woman could do- Milk Nurse Person. Basically when you're queen or just wicked rich, you are deemed to be above such primitive instincts as breast feeding and after having your baby, it is promptly snatched away to be nourished by someone else. I wonder what the interview process for a job like that is? Perhaps something like a nanny?
Hmm, well maybe that isn't how it went exactly, but you get the idea. Quality of life back then? Not so good. I mean if you weren't to busy dodging the black plague or figuring out how to best ward off those pesky gypsies from stealing your crops, then you probably managed to wiggle your way in Court and therefore spent most of your time trying to avoid becoming the King's latest conquest- apparently he was quite the man-slut. So, if your job entails being an actuary or making paper or something, don't complain! You could be stuck throwing out entrails for a living.
Not that I can say job options for men were much better. Nowadays we generally have some sort of labor union- 16th century England? Not so much. Which brings me to the three crappiest jobs you could possibly have back then.
1.) Executioner- Nowadays if you're about to kill someone for murder or whatever, you sit in a little booth and press a button. The unlucky bastard about to die for whatever reason has fluids sent intravenously through his body and he falls asleep. Executioner circa 1300? Well, not only is your job so sucky that you're stuck killing people all day, but the incident of having their bodily juices all over you is also greatly increased. I guess the main form of ending a life was generally limited to beheading and burning, although in one instance (and by that I mean episode) a man was boiled to death in a vat of soup- the same recipe he used to kill some clergymen, how poetic. So props for creativity, but imagine trying to wash out that stench at the end of the day. I mean I complain about smelling like mashed potatoes, better than burnt flesh.
2.) Royal Jizz Disposer- What is a king to do when neither his mistress nor wife with puteth out? Why call in your own personal towel holder to collect, uh, well, you. Yup, this dude literally exists to do nothing other than to show up during times of frustration and dispose of whatever lands on that towel. And I thought being in maid service was bad. But again, with the bodily fluids being dispensed everywhere? I don't know, it must be sort of 16th century thing.
3.) Ooh I did it! I found yet another job a woman could do- Milk Nurse Person. Basically when you're queen or just wicked rich, you are deemed to be above such primitive instincts as breast feeding and after having your baby, it is promptly snatched away to be nourished by someone else. I wonder what the interview process for a job like that is? Perhaps something like a nanny?
Queen: Ahh, I see here that you have had two prior experiences with breast feeding.
Interviewee: Yes, your highness that is correct. One in Kent and then over in Nottingham.
Queen: Right, yes, and what was the reason for leaving?
Interviewee: Uhmm, it grew up and graduated onto that of a cow?
Queen: Oh! Yes, yes, of course. Well everything seems in order, just send in a CORI form and we'll be all set to start in about a month. Fingers crossed its a boy otherwise I'll end up like that wench Ann- beheaded for only spawning off females.
Interviewee: Uhhhm, I'm uh, I'm gonna go now your Highness.
Hmm, well maybe that isn't how it went exactly, but you get the idea. Quality of life back then? Not so good. I mean if you weren't to busy dodging the black plague or figuring out how to best ward off those pesky gypsies from stealing your crops, then you probably managed to wiggle your way in Court and therefore spent most of your time trying to avoid becoming the King's latest conquest- apparently he was quite the man-slut. So, if your job entails being an actuary or making paper or something, don't complain! You could be stuck throwing out entrails for a living.
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