The Great American Bore

I would never claim to be a film fanatic. I don't understand camera angles or the use of negative space or the point of avant garde, but what I do know is that if the total amount of events could have actually been portrayed in about five minutes and are dragged out for 2 hours, then there's a problem.

So a quick synopsis of the film I just saw (trust me it will be quick as nothing happened)- George Clooney is an assassin, he moves to Italy and makes a gun which he then sells to a woman who uses it to try and kill him. This attempt is negated however because she herself is shot by dun, dun, dun the very man who hired her to kill him. Oh, and he bangs an Italian prostitute throughout the movie. If any of this sounds vaguely familiar to you, then it's probably because you too watched "The American," and for this I send out to you my sincerest condolences, for you have just lost a solid two hours of life that you can't every retrieve.

There isn't much more to say about this because, well, nothing friggin' happened! I can't say there was any character development, no reason why Clooney wants to run away with the aforementioned prostitute, no explanation as to why people are trying to kill him. The only subplot I can detect, which is about a priest with a secret son, isn't followed. And then, at the end of it all, after the assassin who tried to kill him is shot by the very man who gave her that order in the first place, there's no explanation for that either!

Apparently there's a book, though I can't say I have any intention of reading it because after watching Clooney walk around pouting for 2 hours I'm notentirely sure if I could stand reading a description of him walking around pouting for hundreds of pages.

So, movie snoot balls, you may turn your noses up at me, "What?" you say, "you wanted action, excitement, some semblance of a plot line? How bourgeois." I'll just let these critics' comments  (though few and far between)  speak for me:

"Those who believe they’d be happy watching George Clooney do nothing for two hours can now test that theory."

"It’s like ordering a hamburger and getting escargot. Which is OK if you like snail, but it’s an acquired taste."

"At some point in their careers, most male actors want to play (a) Hamlet, and (b) a hit man. I hope that Clooney has gotten "b" out of his system."

Really, Rotten Tomatoes? 62%? Clearly a perfect example of the inverse principle of movie critics- if they like it, I hate it and vice versa. If this artsy fartsy stuff is your thing then go for it. If your an average joeshmo like myself, then take a pass and go watch "Going the Distance"- stupid but full of dialogue. See? It's all give and take.