Ex-lax Is Never The Answer

So since I have a paper to write, I like to procrastinate, and I have class in a mere 4 hours I figured its STORY TIME!!!!!

Tuesday about 5 pmish- I am out with my teammate, Helena, and my friend/Helena's cousin, Lindsay. We have just finished dinner at Judy's, an overpriced, under portioned restaurant that is admittedly quite scrumptious. Upon leaving I catch a glimpse of CVS and think back on the blockage of my bowels.

5:05 - I make a purchase at said CVS. Some ex-lax and post-its. Ex-lax to hopefully keep things flowing where they previously weren't and post-its because I like to stick them all over my books in hopes of making them look like they actually belong to an English major.

8:15- Chelsea has left and I can now commence taking my ex-lax in hopes of some relief.

11:00- Nothing has happened. Literally nothing. I sit. I wait. And still nothing

11:02- On the bright side i am really enjoying these post-its. So. Many. colors.

12:20- I read the back of the box. hmmm big WOOPS on that one. I guess I was supposed to take 2 as opposed to the one I had originally popped. o well its been 2 days since I've had a crap and i want it out now! So i took another. Better late than never right?

12:24- still reading the box. apparently it takes 6-12 hours to work. Like, who has that time!? I knew I should have gotten the extra strength.

1ish- i am deep in slumber having some sort of weird dream about sneaking home and stealing eggs from our house

11am- I wake up and much to my dismay still have not taken my rightful place on the throne

11:10- I consult myjellybean.com on the dream- apparently eggs are a sign of good luck in my future. hmmmm....

11:45- Off to class to hide behind my Spanish book in hope that mi profesora does not call on me (plans backfires but more on that later (or never for that matter))

noon- I have a consultory discussion with my mom, this also backfires, literally and metaphorically

12:20-2:15- Spanish is spoken (kind of), Vietnamese people are discussed, drool is wiped from desk and ahhh yess my grueling school day is over.

2:23- I arrive at our beloved dining hall, deciding to take my mom's advice, a decision I will later regret, I take 2 more ex-lax and begin the grand coffee chug o 2010. I figured for good measure I would top off my meal of "chikn' cutlet" yes
that is what they called it, with some ice cream. As i am mildly intolerant of lactose i assumed this could only speed up the process. and speed it up it did, just not right away.

4:03- I am farting up a STORM! thank god my roommate isn't around and more importantly thank god I can't smell. you see? its the small things that make life so grand...ish

6:35- Farting has seemed to cease and desist. I make the executive decision to squat, pun not intended, yet, in the Starbucks downtown in hopes that I'll be able to do some actual work rather than watch the puppy that can't get up, well, not get up, for the next three hours. plus who doesn't love peppermint hot chocolate right? Well i later find out that my ass doesn't. Thats who.

7:00- Grumble grumble grumble. ruhh rowwwww. and shes offffff ladies and gentleman, ducking around the aging hippie with some sort of soy something, vaulting over the yuppy tweeting away on her iPhone, thankfully evading the store employee, who no doubt just exiting from cleaning the very bathroom im lunging for and phew! O my Jehovah, my butt thankfully has hit the toilet seat just as God knows what come plummeting out of it.

7:04- I take a moment to feel bad for all those who have to go through colonoscopies, when, what fresh hell? again? repeat scenario but swap out hippy and yuppy for crappy guitarist, soccor mommy and two people on a date that will shape up to be very awkward and full of dead air.

7:10-10:20- Repeat every 15-20 min and stir in piece of lemon pound cake around 9:40 just for good measure.

10:45- Time to go home. since i have clearly destroyed the Starbucks bathroom as the barista is currently giving me the stink eye. I decided it was time to move on to greener (and cleaner) pastures.

10:50- Arrive home, eat a kids kitchen. I'm thinking that since I just shat out everything I have eaten in the last 36 hours I can afford to eat a lil sumthin sumthin. right? WRONG!

10:51- kids' kitchen successfully enters my stomach

10:59 -kids' kitchen successfully leaves my stomach in a show that could rival the pyrotechnic events that occur every fourth of July

11:20- I silently curse my own impatience and begin "writing my paper"

12:13- I am bored of "writing my paper" and decide to write this instead

1:26- I finish this and post it and then continue to actuallywrite my paper.

So, what can we take away from this? don't over dose on ex-lax for one, two if are going to then don't accompany it with coffee (and ice cream), three don't call my mother asking for advice call someone with some modicum of knowledge pertaining to medical issues, four, make sure you DO go to a Starbucks or other public area lest your hall mates permanently shun you for stinking up your bathroom. in these situations it is always best to ruin someone else's toilet.

And that boys and girls is my tale of woe.

thankyou and goodnight.