28 March 2010

Cavemen?

I was having lunch with a friend the other day. Food? Pretty good. Prices? A little pricey. But as always I was in good company. This friend in particular rarely disappoints. So halfway through our burgers she plunks down this gem.

"Sometimes I imagine that I'm in caveman times and my boyfriend knocks me over the head with a club and drags me back to his cave. Then he goes back out and kills a sabertooth tiger and brings it back and we have sex on it."

To which I said, "uhhhhh......"

I have known both my friend and her boyfriend for quite some time and though I love them both dearly, I just don't think that he's ambitious enough to think up any of that, let alone do it. If anything she'd probably be the one manhandling both him and the sabertooth tigers.

Eventually I managed to open my mouth and have real words come out. So I said, "Really? How are you gonna do this though? Do you skin the tiger and do it on the fur like a throw rug or do you go at it on the carcass with the blood and guts spurting everywhere?"

At this point I recieved a blank stare.

I guess that wasn't really the reaction she was looking for, but curious minds want to know. There is no real ending to this random excerpt from lunch, it kind of just finished on the same note most things in my life do- with me scarfing the rest of a sirloin burger down in record time.

The End.

24 March 2010

Annoying Ads.


A quick question.

How am I supposed to read SparkNotes in time for modern lit with this creepy ass baby staring back at me?

And what will my baby look like you ask? Well I sure as hell hope not this. Just saying.

17 March 2010

Sensless Census

I took some time today to go through the U.S. Census that was mailed to my house the other day. I'm not sure who composed it but I would like to applaude them for their first two questions. They sent me into a fit of chuckles.

Question 1: How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

Pretty straight foreward right? I guess the fact that April 1, 2010 hasn't actually happened yet has slipped their minds, but its close enough I suppose.

OK, so question 2: Were there any additional people staying here April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question 1?

I feel like a child being scolded for lying, as though to say "OK boys and girls, now is there ANYTHING else you want to tell us or will you have to go and sit in the naughty corner for five minutes?" but instead of kindly British lady sending you off to said corner, you have the government slapping a $500 fine on you. For serious guys?! aside from the obvious redundance is that really a question or common enough problem that it needs to be put on? Yup, I will never move out of the U.S. when it so freely provides this much humor.

16 March 2010

Hooray for Dentists! Insert Sarcasm Here.

Went to the dentist today... I know, contain your jealousy please. When I was young I liked the dentist. I got out of school early, at that point in my life my dental hygiene was much more up to par, so it didn't hurt, and I always got ice cream afterwards.

Things have changed since then. Cleanings are scheduled for vacations, I rarely floss so it feels like she's taking and ax pick to my gums, and ice cream can be eaten at any time. At least I have a captive audience right? My hygienist is pretty chill and usually we have insightful discussions, like today for instance:

Me: Usually you can get a feeling for my social life
by looking at the state of my teeth.
Hygienist: How?
Me: Well, when its good I'm out late, and I come home,
fall asleep and forget to brush. How are they by
the way?
Hygienist: Slut.

Yup, Cindy is the shit. Unfortunately getting my teeth cleaned isn't. Yowch! And the verdict today is that my lower wisdom teeth will have to be removed this summer. Something to look forward to I guess.

13 March 2010

Ex-lax Is Never The Answer

So since I have a paper to write, I like to procrastinate, and I have class in a mere 4 hours I figured its STORY TIME!!!!!

Tuesday about 5 pmish- I am out with my teammate, Helena, and my friend/Helena's cousin, Lindsay. We have just finished dinner at Judy's, an overpriced, under portioned restaurant that is admittedly quite scrumptious. Upon leaving I catch a glimpse of CVS and think back on the blockage of my bowels.

5:05 - I make a purchase at said CVS. Some ex-lax and post-its. Ex-lax to hopefully keep things flowing where they previously weren't and post-its because I like to stick them all over my books in hopes of making them look like they actually belong to an English major.

8:15- Chelsea has left and I can now commence taking my ex-lax in hopes of some relief.

11:00- Nothing has happened. Literally nothing. I sit. I wait. And still nothing

11:02- On the bright side i am really enjoying these post-its. So. Many. colors.

12:20- I read the back of the box. hmmm big WOOPS on that one. I guess I was supposed to take 2 as opposed to the one I had originally popped. o well its been 2 days since I've had a crap and i want it out now! So i took another. Better late than never right?

12:24- still reading the box. apparently it takes 6-12 hours to work. Like, who has that time!? I knew I should have gotten the extra strength.

1ish- i am deep in slumber having some sort of weird dream about sneaking home and stealing eggs from our house

11am- I wake up and much to my dismay still have not taken my rightful place on the throne

11:10- I consult myjellybean.com on the dream- apparently eggs are a sign of good luck in my future. hmmmm....

11:45- Off to class to hide behind my Spanish book in hope that mi profesora does not call on me (plans backfires but more on that later (or never for that matter))

noon- I have a consultory discussion with my mom, this also backfires, literally and metaphorically

12:20-2:15- Spanish is spoken (kind of), Vietnamese people are discussed, drool is wiped from desk and ahhh yess my grueling school day is over.

2:23- I arrive at our beloved dining hall, deciding to take my mom's advice, a decision I will later regret, I take 2 more ex-lax and begin the grand coffee chug o 2010. I figured for good measure I would top off my meal of "chikn' cutlet" yes
that is what they called it, with some ice cream. As i am mildly intolerant of lactose i assumed this could only speed up the process. and speed it up it did, just not right away.

4:03- I am farting up a STORM! thank god my roommate isn't around and more importantly thank god I can't smell. you see? its the small things that make life so grand...ish

6:35- Farting has seemed to cease and desist. I make the executive decision to squat, pun not intended, yet, in the Starbucks downtown in hopes that I'll be able to do some actual work rather than watch the puppy that can't get up, well, not get up, for the next three hours. plus who doesn't love peppermint hot chocolate right? Well i later find out that my ass doesn't. Thats who.

7:00- Grumble grumble grumble. ruhh rowwwww. and shes offffff ladies and gentleman, ducking around the aging hippie with some sort of soy something, vaulting over the yuppy tweeting away on her iPhone, thankfully evading the store employee, who no doubt just exiting from cleaning the very bathroom im lunging for and phew! O my Jehovah, my butt thankfully has hit the toilet seat just as God knows what come plummeting out of it.

7:04- I take a moment to feel bad for all those who have to go through colonoscopies, when, what fresh hell? again? repeat scenario but swap out hippy and yuppy for crappy guitarist, soccor mommy and two people on a date that will shape up to be very awkward and full of dead air.

7:10-10:20- Repeat every 15-20 min and stir in piece of lemon pound cake around 9:40 just for good measure.

10:45- Time to go home. since i have clearly destroyed the Starbucks bathroom as the barista is currently giving me the stink eye. I decided it was time to move on to greener (and cleaner) pastures.

10:50- Arrive home, eat a kids kitchen. I'm thinking that since I just shat out everything I have eaten in the last 36 hours I can afford to eat a lil sumthin sumthin. right? WRONG!

10:51- kids' kitchen successfully enters my stomach

10:59 -kids' kitchen successfully leaves my stomach in a show that could rival the pyrotechnic events that occur every fourth of July

11:20- I silently curse my own impatience and begin "writing my paper"

12:13- I am bored of "writing my paper" and decide to write this instead

1:26- I finish this and post it and then continue to actuallywrite my paper.

So, what can we take away from this? don't over dose on ex-lax for one, two if are going to then don't accompany it with coffee (and ice cream), three don't call my mother asking for advice call someone with some modicum of knowledge pertaining to medical issues, four, make sure you DO go to a Starbucks or other public area lest your hall mates permanently shun you for stinking up your bathroom. in these situations it is always best to ruin someone else's toilet.

And that boys and girls is my tale of woe.

thankyou and goodnight.

05 March 2010

Stuff I Hate About College :(

OK kiddies, so every yin has its yang, which brings be to my next post.... The things about college I'm not so much a fan of. Not that college hasn't been good to me and there will be many things about it that I'll miss, but for the time being I'm just gonna throw out a few things that I won't.

1.) Waiting in lines. Lines for food. Lines for computers. Lines for printing. Lines to pay bills (I mean, I'm giving you money, wouldn't you want to take that as quickly as possible?). Lines for health services. Lines to sign into your room. Lines to sign out. So yeah, college involves lots of lines.

2.) The infamous Freshman Fifteen. or in my case freshman fifty. OK well no, not THAT much, but seriously I really packed it on when I started school. First of all the dining halls are all you can eat. Yum Yum you say? Well I'll agree but the problem there is that generally you go on to eat all you can eat, even if you don't like it, and trust me you'll grow to hate it. Free soft serve ice cream? Come on, that's a no brainer. And after every meal you'll meander on home to then spend a large portion of your evening on the toilet, silently cursing your own lack of self control, thinking, tomorrow is a new day, a better day, full of opportunity to not eat, uh, everything. But alas! The lure of the dining halls is too strong! You succumb and history lives on to repeat itself...

...OK never fear, after a week or two of living away from home and getting used to eating whatever, whenever and how much you want, you'll get over it. Your waist will restore itself to its natural size and all will be right with the world.

3.) There are people freakin everywhere! OK I know this was in the things I love about college too, but there really is a duality to it. Now as previously stated I think its really cool that there are people everywhere, always. It keeps life interesting because people are always doing goofy shit. But sometimes I don't want to be woken up at 2AM on Tuesday night to the people next door doing whipits and screaming whilst playing halo. Sometimes I want to eat dinner in peace and not have to listen to some girl whine about the possibility of her VD test coming back positive. TMI hun! Sometimes I just want to take a dump in private without people roaming in and out to relieve themselves next to me.

4.)Laundry. I don't have an aversion to doing my laundry or anything I've been doing it for years now. What I have an aversion to is walking down 4 flights of stairs, paying $1.50 for a load and then going up and down all the damn stairs again. Now up till this point, other than the price, I can't say I have any serious qualms with dorm laundry. It is now that one must face their greatest laundry adversary- the dryer. The dryers without a doubt will not dry your clothes. It usually takes a couple cycles of this to actually work. maybe. if your lucky. Basically I end up hanging my clothes around my room a la Spanish Harlem. It gets the job done but everything always feels starchy ughhh. So you can either prepare to dump $5-6 on a load, wear gross feeling clothing or venture off campus to a laundromat.

5.) The overall cleanliness (or lack thereof) of dorm life. I have lived in many dorms over the years some nicer (and cleaner) than others. First fallacy I need to clear up- girls are not cleaner than boys, in any capacity. My first semester ever I was stuck on an all girls floor. On top of listening to the high pitched shrieks and squeals that erupted with upsetting frequency from rooms every time The Bachelor was on, the bathrooms and hallways were nasty! I mean what do we not understand about flushing after using it? Or Tampons go in the box? Not the ground, the toilet or the shower. Ughh. Why?! The coed bathrooms I eventually became accustomed to were always way better kept up. Who the hell knows why? Yet another unsolved mystery.

So those are some of the things I am just not going to miss about school. They certainly don't overshadow all the awesome stuff that goes on, but I'll be happy to leave it behind. What do you like or hate about school? Thoughts?

04 March 2010

Stuff I Love About College :)

So in my tenure here at school I have to say I've enjoyed myself quite a bit. College is a pretty cool place and you'll probably never get another chance to live in the manner that you do when your here unless you want people to think your crazy or a bum or something. So, I present things about college that I love!

1.) SLEEP! Oh the sleeping possibilities! I mean when in my life have I or will I be able to stay up as late as I want, sleep in till about 2, roll out of bed, sit in class for 50 minutes and then return to my room for a nap in order to prepare for the weekend? I believe the word your is NEVER! In college there must be some sort of space time continuum paradigm thinger maboble where you literally have done less than you have in your entire life but still manage to rack up more hours of sleep than you have before. Unsolved Mystery.

2.) People EVERYWHERE! people in your dorm, dorm room, in the bathroom, all over campus. They're throwing Frisbees by day, parties by night, food in the dining halls, water balloons when its hot, snowballs when its cold. And on top of all that they're usually some of the most creative people too. Like the invention of the soda can-icepack (step 1. take a soda can, Step 2. duck tape it to whatever seems to be ailing you) or the usage of lunch trays as sleds! Say what you will, college students know how to be resourceful when the occasion calls for it.

3.) Interior Decorating- I have posters hanging from my ceiling, Christmas lights up all year long and cinder blocks pretending to be a bookshelf. Any other time in my life and people would think me a hobo. nuff said.

4.) Foreigners! I know a bajillion people flood into the U.S. everyday, but when do you actually get the chance to meet them? Well for me at least the answer is never or rarely. Now lets put all those jokes about hard to understand TA's and grade curve destroying overachievers aside and learn to appreciate our foreign brethren. Seriously, I have learned a lot of random crap about other places since my beginnings at school. Like that in Ethiopia 1AM is at sunrise. Makes sense right? Or that Australians only wear Uggs to the beach, which just sounds uncomfortable. Or that Brits seem to relish eating a truly horrible jam-type substance called marmise. Meeting these people have also helped expand my vocabulary. For example I can now use the term "bogan" properly in a sentence; and if I ever find myself in Australia and trying to insult someone by calling them white trash I'll be all set. Another favorite of mine is the British term "bellend" which I'll let you put together;)

5.) Resources! Colleges these days are really on top of their shit when it comes to keeping the bright young minds of the future informed. Thanks to my school I have a massive library, which I, uh, frequent quite often.... super fast Internet, and over a hundred channels including several HBOs and showtime. Because what student's education wouldn't be complete without a little showtime? I really have learned how to multitask and can now youtube, facebook, watch TV, text, vlog, blog, ect. all from the comfort of my dorm room. So thank you college, for allowing me to really cultivate my abilities of procrastination.

Not that the value of my education thus far has been limited to those things, I think schooling may have entered the equation at some point, I'm just saying they're the big five that stick out in my mind.

Ahhh Life!

So here I am, last semester of college. The last year I'm officially allowed to not think. Up till now every path has been very laid out for us you go to preschool, elementary, middle, high, then its time start working some sort of menial job or you pack your bags and burn four more years worth of time and tuition. Now that that's coming to an end I'm at a loss for what to do. So rather than ponder these more important questions that will most likely determine my future I think I'll do what I'm best at and procrastinate.

The word procrastinate has gotten such a bad rep over the years and really I don't know why. I mean "pro" is in there isn't that usually considered a good thing? Sooooo anyway since I've got 3 papers to write and I've run out of people to hang out with, reality TV to watch, my room is clean, I've eaten all the food and the ceiling tiles have been counted... twice, I guess there's only one thing left to do- Start Blogging!